I've been sleeping with a clown above my bed...

I like structure.

Left to my own devices, I tend to aimlessly flail about and descend into the spiral of self-destruction that I know so well. This I dislike tremendously. I project a persona of being a (somewhat) free spirit that flies by the seat of her pants and does whatever she damn well pleases. (I'd like to qualify that statement. In the context of law school and being a future corporate attorney, I'm hardcore. In other contexts, I'm prob viewed as a bit of a stick in the mud.) In all truthfulness my life feels quite dull and uncreative right now. And I am almost completely free as a bird, limited only by my resources (i.e. finances).

I've always been one of those kids that gets bored with the summer and can't wait until school starts. Maybe I am itching for something more solid than what I have going on right now. And what I have going on right now, while nice because I have no responsibilities and obligations, feels like I am carrying a heavy load of uncertainty, transience, and impermanence. (Impermanence is a word, b-t-dubs. I totally just looked it up. And it's a great word.) I can't really begin any major projects because I am in this state of flux that is very short (less than five weeks) and I know that in those five weeks I am going to be doing a lot of traveling and visiting of people- which makes the transience and waiting around ever more present.

But still... it's like I am just waiting around for something else- planning for another life, not this one- to do something that's not apart of today. In reality, all I really have to do is make sure I stay alive and out of trouble for these five weeks. Thus, most of my actions are relatively inconsequential unless their repercussions will be able to be felt in Houston. For example, I have no reason to shower, brush my hair, or change out of my pajamas each morning other than because I want to. This makes today seem kind of meaningless.

I hope this is not what retirement is like, because I do not see how this can be the existence we struggle to reach throughout most of our adult lives. I'd rather be toiling away than be this bored.